Having a secure attachment style as a couple is the essence of a healthy, happy relationship. A simple way to form a secure attachment style is to be RARE. RARE stands for Reliably Accessible, Responsive, and Empathetic. But what does being Reliably Accessible, Responsive, and Empathetic look like in real life? How do you do it, especially if your attachment style is anxious, avoidant, or fearful avoidant? I’m here to show you how to grow into a RARE secure attachment with each other so you can live a healthier, happier life together. So, what does being reliably accessible, responsive, and empathetic, or RARE, look like?
What Being Reliably Accessible, Responsive, and Empathetic Looks Like
Reliably
I’ll break down what being RARE looks like in practice. Being RARE begins with being reliable. Being reliable is about being dependable. It’s being there for your partner when your partner needs you. Not that you’re there for your partner 100% of the time. You’re human beings. There will be times when your partner needs you and you’re not immediately there for them. However, it does mean that more often than not you’re reliably there for your partner. Your partner can depend on you to be there for them. However, being reliable is only the first ingredient in a secure attachment.
Reliably Accessible
Being reliably accessible is the next essential ingredient in being RARE. It’s about being available to each other. Being available to each other is being able to get in touch for moments of connection, especially when something distressing happens. Being reliably accessible means that if your partner texts or calls you, you are available to receive their text or call. Again, keep it real. There are times when you’re not reliably accessible to your partner. For example, your partner is at work and can’t respond to your text or call. That said, it’s essential for a secure attachment to be reliably accessible more often than not. However, being RARE requires more than being reliably accessible.
Reliably Accessible and Responsive
Just being reliably accessible isn’t enough for a secure attachment. You can be reliably accessible without being responsive. Being responsive is essential for a secure attachment with each other. It’s about responding to each other when you’re together and talking, and when you text or call. It’s texting back as soon as you can and answering the phone when your partner calls, if not immediately, as soon as possible. You don’t have to be responsive every time. That’s impossible. What matters is that more often than not, you are both responsive when your partner reaches out to connect with you.
Reliably Accessible Responsive and Empathetic
However, only being reliably accessible and responsive isn’t enough for a secure attachment. You can be reliably accessible and responsive without being empathetic. Being empathetic can be difficult if you grew up without empathetic parental adults. You might be unempathetic if your parental adults dismissed specific emotions by saying things like, “You shouldn’t feel sad! You should be grateful for what you have”, “Don’t be scared. There’s nothing to be afraid of!”, “You just need to let that go!”, or “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!”
Both Partners Must Be Empathetic
For a secure attachment to be RARE, both partners must also be empathetic with each other. Empathy is about validating and normalizing emotions instead of dismissing them. You’re empathetic with each other when you say things like, “You’re allowed to feel sad. It’s normal to feel sad when something like that happens”, “Of course you’re scared. That would scare anybody!”, “It makes sense that you feel angry. If that happened to me, I’d feel angry too.” Notice that being empathetic is about allowing each other to feel the emotions you feel. It’s not about “fixing” anything or trying to make your partner feel better. Empathizing gives space and time for your partner’s emotions to resolve naturally.
Secure Attachment for Couples is All About Being RARE
When you practice and master being Reliably Accessible, Responsive, and Empathetic with each other you develop a RARE secure attachment style with each other. If your already have a RARE secure attachment and are living a healthy and happy life together, that’s wonderful! Keep going!
If you want a healthier and happier relationship, and your attachment style to become more secure, Book a FREE 30-Minute Consult with Me Here. I’ll be happy to help you grow into the RARE secure attachment that you want together!
Check out my approach to Couples Therapy HERE.