The formula for happier relationships is this: the quality of your attention to each other plus the quality of your communication with each other equals a happier relationship. The formula is simple, but not easy. It requires effort and commitment from both partners. Even though it’s not always easy, it’s always rewarding when couples do it. But what does quality attention look like? And what does quality communication sound like?
Happier Relationships Have High Quality Attention
The formula for a happier relationship involves the quality of the attention you give each other. Quality attention looks like the acronym S.O.F.T.E.N. It’s an excellent guide for giving your partner quality attention. It stands for—
- Smile at your partner.
- Open Posture: relax your body, uncross your arms, and open up to your partner.
- Face your partner instead of turning or looking away.
- Touch your partner: hold hands, touch their arm, or touch each other’s feet.
- Eye Contact: Look into each other’s eyes when you talk.
- Nod to indicate “Yes, I’m listening to you. You have my full attention.”
When you practice S.O.F.T.E.N., you give your partner high quality attention and contribute to making your relationship happier. Next, what does quality communication sound like?
Happy Couples are Great Listeners and Speakers
The formula for making a relationship happier includes quality communication. Quality communication invloves being both a great listener and a great speaker too. I start with being a great listener because it’s often overlooked. Since it’s overlooked, it’s often skipped over in favor of “fixing” a problem. When you skip over being a great listener, you often miscommunicate. That makes matters worse for both of you. So, how do you become a great listener?
The Formula for Being A Great Listener is Listening to Understand
Here are the key steps for becoming a great listener:
- Listen to understand your partner’s point of view instead of judging it as right or wrong, good or bad, or something you either agree or disagree with.
- Prove you’re listening by reflecting back what you heard your partner say. For example, if your partner is talking about a problem, listen and say, “So, what I heard you say was (say what you heard your partner say).
- Then verify your understanding by asking, “Is that right?”, “Did I understand you?” Your partner will let you know if you misunderstood.
- Next, validate your partner’s point of view and emotions by saying something like, “It makes sense that you saw it that way and feel ___ about it. I think anyone would feel the same way if that happened to them.”
“Fix” Things Only After Being a Great Listener
Only after you’ve listened, proved you’ve listened by reflecting back what you heard, verified your understanding of what you heard, and validated your partner’s thoughts and feelings do you ask if they want to talk about what to do.
When you fail to be a great listener, you usually jump too quickly into judging what your partner said and trying to persuade them to your point of view. Or you might jump into “fixing” problems your partner isn’t asking you to fix. Rarely does that go well. Besides being a great listener, being a great speaker is essential. Let’s move on to being a great speaker.
Being a Great Speaker is About Self-Disclosure
Being a great speaker doesn’t mean a great public speaker. It means speaking to your partner in a way that makes it easy for them to understand you. It’s all about self-disclosure. For example, when you have a problem that you need to talk with your partner about, use this template as a guide:
“I have a problem I need to talk with you about. Is now a good time?” If it’s not a good time, find a time that works for both of you. If your partner says it’s a good time, then take the next step.
“I felt _____ when I saw/heard _____.” Fill in the first blank with the emotions your felt: angry, frustrated, hurt, sad, disappointed, scared, etc. Fill in the second blank with what you either saw or heard that bothered you, then take the next step and make a request.
“Moving forward, would you be willing to ________ instead?” Fill that blank in with what you need your partner to do in the future.
Notice that for the first two steps you use “I” statements. You talk about what you saw or heard and your emotions. In the third step, you ask for what you need from your partner moving forward. You self-disclose in all three steps. You also make it easy for your partner to understand you.
You Can Make Your A Relationship Happier
You now have the formula for a happier relationship! When you and your partner improve the quality of your attention by practicing S.O.F.T.E.N., and improve the quality of your communication, you make your relationship with each other happier. And there are bonus points! Making your relationship happier influences others. It makes other’s relationships happier and that makes the whole world more wonderful!
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For over 35 years I’ve been helping countless numbers of couples have happier relationships. You can see my Google reviews here. I use the Gottman Method of Couples Therapy because it works so well when couples do it.
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