Conflict Management Skills for Couples

Introduction to Conflict Management Skills for Couples

Conflict Management Skills for Couples are essential for healthy, happy relationships. Poor Conflict Management Skills do more damage to relationships than anything else. They are the main reason couples seek couples therapy and marriage counseling, highlighting the importance of mastering conflict management skills for couples. All too often, a lack of conflict management skills fuels heated arguments between couples. These heated arguments usually rupture the emotional connection between partners. That rupture often lasts for days. Besides rupturing the emotional connection between couples, when the couple has one or more children, poor conflict management skills also damage their children and their relationships with them. In this blog post, I present twelve conflict management skills that every couple needs to learn.

Why Learning Conflict Management Skills is So Important

Again, poor conflict management skills cause the most harm to relationships. Fortunately, couples can and do develop their conflict skills and improve their relationships. When they do develop their skills, they discuss their problems in ways that keep them emotionally connected with each other instead of rupturing their relationship.

Research by the Gottman Institute found that sixty-nine percent (69%) of relationship conflicts are unresolvable. Most often, they’re unresolvable for three reasons: personality differences, core values, or life experiences. However, as couples develop their conflict management skills, they often come to an appreciative view of their unresolvable differences and stay emotionally connected with each other. Their differences enrich their relationship.

The Gottman Institute also found that couples who develop conflict management skills learn how to resolve the thirty-one percent (31%) of their conflicts that are resolvable. They learn how to give a little so they can create win/win solutions.

What Poor, Underdeveloped Conflict Management Looks Like

Poor, underdeveloped conflict management skills often look something like this: One partner starts talking about a problem they have by expressing criticism or contempt for their partner. When they do their partner responds with defensiveness or stonewalling. Then the intensity of their words and emotions escalates. One or both partners start yelling. Sometimes one partner stonewalls, shuts down, goes silent, or walks away.

Instead of resolving the problem, their emotional connection evaporates. They both lose and feel sad, hurt, frustrated, and/or lonely.

When the frequency of such arguments increases, emotional disconnection and loneliness become the norm. The partners then live lonely parallel lives under the same roof. Eventually, they either resign themselves to being lonely in the relationship or they part ways.

Twelve Healthy, Developed Conflict Management Skills for Couples

Couples who develop the following twelve healthy conflict management skills—

1. Discuss Only One Problem at a time and Do So as They Occur, as soon as possible.
2. Take Turns speaking and listening, without interrupting each other.
3. Use Healthy Alternatives to criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
4. Use the Gentle Start to talk about a problem or unmet need.
5. Listen to Understand and Validate their partner’s point of view, not judge it.
6. Own Their Part of the problem.
7. Ask Open Ended Questions to deepen their understanding of their partner’s point of view.
8. Accept their Partner’s Influence.
9. Make and Accept Repair Attempts.
10. Take Breaks to calm flooding.
11. Ask questions to discover the Dream within the Conflict.
12. Create Win/Win Solutions together.

When both partners develop these healthy conflict management skills, they not only effectively solve more problems but also repair and strengthen their emotional connection with each other.

Equally important, when they have children, they help them feel safe and secure instead of scared and sad. As parents, they also model healthy conflict management for their children.

What to Do Next

Now that you know more about conflict management skills, you might be aware of your need to develop your skills. If so, take the next step. Schedule your FREE 30-Minute Initial Consult with me and get started with couples therapy. I’m here to help you and your partner develop the skills listed above and become a happier couple than you already are.